Outgoing Web Coordinator’s Report [54]

By Richard McNeall
NSWSKC Web Coordinator — 17:43:00 22 Nov 2003 to 17:48:48 22 Nov 2003

Hello all. It has been my pleasure to serve you as Web Coordinator, following on from the famous Max Brettargh. My period as Web Coordinator has coincided with a period of extreme significance for the Club as it wrestles with the challenges of the new world order.

As this has been my first committee position, I have been determined to set the highest possible standards from the start:

• Never to sleep during my term in office.
• Never to be away from the company of NSWSKC members during my term in office.
• Never to attend to any business other than Club business during my term in office.
• To have zero complaints and zero problem issues with the web or chatline during my term in office.
• To be part of an unbroken chain of five Mirage paddling Web Coordinators, starting with the celebrated Andrew Eddy.
• To refrain from paddling during my term in office, lest it interfere with my duties.

I am pleased to report that all these standards have been achieved without exception. Furthermore, my belief is that, given the high standing of our Club, committee members should ALWAYS be held accountable for achieving these standards during their first committee term.

As Web Coordinator, it is all too easy to lapse into an ‘IT consciousness’. Whereas all the Club’s previous Web Coordinators have succumbed to the temptation to get involved with computers in some way or another, I have taken a ‘high ground’ position, refraining from all computer contact over my term in office, much to the benefit of the Club and its members, local, interstate and overseas.

The principal achievements during my term have been in the area of strategy development. Future Web Coordinators will take responsibility for implementation. The main strategic focus is to offer the maximum possible transitional assistance to transitional paddlers (those who do not yet appreciate that non-Mirages are transitional boats on the owner’s eventual path to a Mirage 580).

In closing, a committee member should move on when they have exhausted their useful contribution to the Club. In my case, a term of office in minutes equal to the length of my kayak in metres was appropriate, and I’m moving on to the Editor’s position, starting with the next mag.

You’ll be very pleased to know that Peter Kappelmann, our new Web Coordinator is doing very well at meeting the standards we have set, although seriously at risk of ‘IT consciousness’!!!

Au revoir, Richard McNeall

Rock’n’Roll 2003 [54]

By Ian Phillips

Well folks, another Rock ‘n’ Roll is over, the kayaks are back at home, the stubby caps and corks have been recycled and once again I have an interesting collection of caps courtesy of lost property.

A big thanks to everyone who attended Rock ‘n’ Roll 2003 at Currarong. Despite the inclement weather we endured all weekend (which only seemed to arrive the moment I turned up on Friday morning) and the unfortunate resulting cancellation of many on-water activities, a fairly bearable weekend was had by all, with slightly damp but nevertheless jovial spirits all ’round. 124 paddlers attended the weekend, along with another 60-odd hangers-on, which was slightly down on expectations but was still very satisfying to the organisers given a difficult location for so many paddlers and some unforgiving weather patterns.

Revised land sessions replaced on-water paddles as the weather turned nasty, and most people accepted the conditions with good grace — only a few needed a good spanking out the back of Rock ‘n’ Roll HQ. Trangias worked overtime as hot toddies were the order of the day and I kept myself warm by scoffing 400 sausage sandwiches and hugging my laptop.

Our emergency procedures were tested on the Saturday when Claudia Schremmer dislocated her shoulder during a training accident (the paddle goes in the water, Claudia). Communications, rescue personnel and Club organisers worked together perfectly to quickly get ambulance dudes to the scene and Claudia off to hospital. Claudia is recovering well and will be pounding the waves again soon.

As I sit in Rock ‘n’ Roll HQ all weekend I see everyone as they come and go and I receive a lot of great compliments for the weekend which are hugely appreciated. But as we all know very well, a weekend like Rock ‘n’ Roll doesn’t happen by itself and a huge list of thanks is necessary. Please read through the following lists and appreciate how massive something like Rock ‘n’ Roll is to organise, to manage and to run. When you next see one of these folks on the water, give them a hearty thanks. My humblest apologies to anyone I have missed — my mind is slipping these days — must be all the lubrication I give it.

• A special thanks to marquee supporters and session presenters Roger Aspinall and Julie Stanton from Blue Earth and Wayne and Linda Langmaid from Ocean Planet who each generously donated $200.00 to the Club.
• Many thanks to Ian Dewey from AC for his help coordinating and obtaining superstars Chad Meek and Les Allen. Ian, Chad and Les all helped out enormously with training sessions, land-based presentations and marquee entertainment throughout the weekend.
• All the Land-Based Session Presenters: Roger Aspinall & Julie Stanton, Wayne Langmaid, Ian Dewey, Robyn Harris, Sharon Trueman, Elizabeth Thomson, David Whyte and David Winkworth.
• The Evening Presenters: Les Allen, Andrew Eddy, Andrew McAuley, David Winkworth and Ben Eastwood for his DVD.
• The true unsung heroes of Rock ‘n’ Roll; the Instructors, Leaders and Assistants: Sharon Betteridge, Richard Birdsey, Kevin Brennan, Ian Dunn, Andrew Eddy, Trevor Gardner, Nick Gill, Sundra John, John Lipscombe, Paul Loker, Richard McNeall, Rob Mercer, Richard McNeall, Andrew McPhail, Rob Mercer, Keith Oakford, Peter Osman, Dirk Stuber, Stuart Trueman.
• Race Organiser and Clockwatcher: Alan Whiteman.
• Rolling Comp Commandant: Stuart Trueman.
• Our now infamous Jet Ski Louts who operate under the thin veil of Rescue Craft: Vince & Debbie Browning.
• Beach Master: Max Brettargh, who endured sleet and hail to keep Mark Pearson at bay.
• Loudhailer: Andrew Watkinson for vital voice communications across large expanses of open ground for no particular reason.
• Bill Caulfield and his crew from Currarong Volunteer Rural Fire Brigade who stuffed us silly with their barbequed delights all weekend. I made very sure all offerings were suitable for general consumption as I scoffed down 6 sandwiches on the Saturday and another 5 on the Sunday. As a special thanks the NSWSKC donated $400.00 to the Currarong Volunteer Rural Fire Brigade following the weekend.
• Anne and the team from Zac’s Place for the excellent Saturday night seafood dinner. Naturally I also had to sample several portions to make sure that all was in order. I even ate all my salad (Mum would be proud). And after all, I have to get my vegetables at some point during the year.
• Peter and Yvonne from Currarong Beachside Tourist Park for their fantastic support, a beautiful location and the excellent Rock ‘n’ Roll HQ.
• The local ambulance service who responded so excellently when Claudia went for a spin.

The most important thanks I always leave until last, to those stalwart operators: my highly skilled, highly charged and highly caffienated compadres who all worked so hard and so long to make Rock ‘n’ Roll happen for the third year running:

• Rob Mercer; chief barista, chief quaffer and chief hardcore paddler. Little is it known that he paddles to Rock ‘n’ Roll because it’s faster than his driving.
• Sharon Betteridge; chief organiser, chief economist and chief whitebait fritter cook… I’m sure I’d starve to death if Sharon didn’t feed me so well. Sharon deserves an extra mention for putting up with us on a continual basis as we take up residence in her lounge room.
• Richard Birdsey; chief authorities schmoozer, chief sensible dude and chief insults coordinator, who was mighty handy once we were shown the big banana by the utterly charmless new management at Glenhaven Caravan Village.
• Andrew Eddy, chief tactician, chief on-water guru extraordinaire and closet Mirage paddler. Now using an 8.3492 square metre sail in an effort to make Cooktown to TI a quick day trip.

You guys are the greatest, but I’m still gonna whip your arse in FNQ.

And so, as the time comes up to two-and-a-quarter inches, it’s prudent to relax, get back on the water and forget about Rock ‘n’ Roll for another handful of months. See you all at Rock ‘n’ Roll 2004!

Ian Phillips – Rock ‘n’ Roll 2003 Coordinator

A Ramble From the Editor [54]

By Ian Phillips

The king is dead. Long live the king. Well it’s now official folks, the folder is a lost love. Apart from erecting the frame in the lounge room for an interesting conversation piece at parties, your folder fanatic has defected to the other side and is now the proud owner of the Liquorice Torpedo, a gleaming charcoal grey monster that has most shaking their heads and the rest shaking their heads as well. What the Water Police think every time they stop me on the harbour is another matter altogether.

Having already paddled it more times in the past two months than I have ever paddled any other kayak in the past 10 years, the beast has already taken a beating. Some of the highlights in its short life include pounding it into several immovable objects (including the garage wall as I forgot it was ON the car, not IN the car), leaving it high and dry as I sailed onto some decently stocked oyster leases when I lost my way at Paddle Polaris, and most recently taking half- a- kilo of gelcoat off the hull as I ground to a halt on a semi-submerged rock in Rose Bay after thinking I was pretty cool as I sailed full-bore past maestro-sailer Professor Eddy.

Let’s hope the Liquorice Torpedo survives long enough to get me to Thursday Island in August. And if it does, let’s hope I survive the indomitable combination of the Merceridges, the Baidarkonaut, the Birdsie and the Vince-a-thon. But fear not, Sharon has already written the article so it’s all sure to work out and I’m pretty sure I had a good time. But I’m not sure whether she let me beat Rob to TI.

Now it’s time to stop trying to show off my offside roll (quite simply because I can’t do the onside roll), and get out on the water, join the training programs we’re so passionate about and learn the bits and pieces I’ll need to actually survive the paddling up there. I’m also seeing my psychotherapist so I can survive the camping.

Before I go, and whilst I pondered terribly about these following thankyous trying not to sound too much like an advertorial, I still feel it entirely appropriate to thank the following people for their assistance in getting me back onto (and into) the water over the past few months:

Peter Cohen for getting the nastily bent Feathercraft K1 back into an unbent orientation and allowing it to rest in peace;

Paul Hewitson for putting up with my insane requests and for the Liquorice Torpedo itself — a magnificent beast that I am absurdly fond of, despite how badly I treat it on the water;

Roger Aspinall & Julie Stanton for their outstandingly super-friendly service, constantly obtaining the most obscure, most extreme, most black and most excellent pieces of paddling gear at a moment’s notice;

And especially Rob Mercer for helping me actually get on the water and teaching me so much. I’ll wait for you on TI.

Finally, many thanks to all the lovely chaps and chappesses who have been so kind over the past four years, but an extra special thanks goes to fellow committee, training and coordination group members Rob Mercer, Sharon Betteridge, Andrew Eddy & Richard Birdsey for keeping me sane in the wee hours when I should be home in bed. We’ve worked damned hard together over the years, you’ve inspired me constantly and I’m proud to call you all my friends. Although I still think Richard is a bit weird.

Well folks, this is the end for me. My last magazine as Editor of NSW Sea Kayaker. You will now have to put up with me being the new Training Coordinator with our upbeat, funky and altogether totally groovy training schedule for 2004. Just remember, kayaking is life… the rest is mere details. I’ll see you all on the water.

From The President’s Deck [54]

By Andrew McPhail

G’day all. November 18 the weather was ordinary and the forecast for the weekend was worse, but I still envied all those paddling down to Rock ‘n’ Roll, and was still looking forward to paddling on the weekend and getting together with friends.

Unfortunately the weather forecast was right. We had plenty of rain. When I checked the rainfall figures and compared then with averages, they weren’t that much out of the ordinary. 50 mm over the weekend, 95 mm for the month, not much higher than the November average.

I got a 2 hour surf in on the Friday arvo and I enjoyed assisting leading a training group on Saturday morning. But my new challenge started on Saturday afternoon. Three weeks before Rock ‘n’ Roll I had rejected a work transfer from Sydney to Brisbane, which gave me the opportunity to stand as President. Thanks for all those who encouraged me and nominated me for the position.

Since the Rock ‘n’ Roll everyone on the new Committee has already been hard at work. You may have seen some changes on the web site, Tom has already been continuing communications with Australian Canoeing, various other behind the scenes things have happened including the Committee hand over. We are also planning to have our first full meeting in mid January.

One thing I have already found out is that I underestimated all the things that the committee has been doing. I am so glad the Club has a keen and capable team to help share the load in 2004.

Many thanks to Rob, and the past Committee, for all the work over the last year. We all know Rob lives and breathes sea kayaking. He has such a passion for our Club and always wants the best for it. We all can be comforted to know that he will still stay as an active instructor and an assessor for the Club.

Work has changed my outlook to my Presidency. Unlike what slipped out in the AGM I won’t be president for the next 2 or 3 years, I have been given a promotion at work and I will be moving to Brisbane early 2004. This is going to limit my role on the Committee, so after the January Committee meeting I will announce how the Committee and I will deal with this change. One thing that will definitely happen is that I will be running NSWSKC trips in far north NSW and SE Qld. And if you are heading north send me an email.

Other matters the Committee will discuss will be individual roles on the Committee, communication, magazine (timing and budget), Rock ‘n’ Roll, AGM, welcome pack.

As I indicated at the AGM I see there is 4 key priorities of the Committee:

1. Make it as easy as possible for people to enjoy sea kayaking,
2. Encourage diversity of people in the Club,
3. Make it as easy as possible to run the Club, and
4. Make sure the Club provides protection, support and promotes trust for our Trip Leaders, Instructors and Executive.

I hope everyone has had a great Christmas/New Year.

PS. I would like to thank Nick Gill & Rob Mercer for their support and training over the past three-and-a- half years. From the very first weekend I went to a Club event they have been happy to help me, as well as many other beginners. Lets always encourage our volunteers in this great Club. Andrew McPhail

Paddle Polaris [54]

By David Whyte

A huge swarm of mosquitoes was hovering in front of me but I dare not stand as I would give the position of the checkpoint away.

I was hiding in the swamp in Bumbo Lake next to a blow up plastic shark. I had been there for 20 minutes waiting for someone to appear.

When finally I did see someone I had to crouch down amongst the reeds until they had managed to work out the checkpoint location themselves. And who should appear but Kevin and Claudia.

This was the second day of the Polaris Paddle challenge and I was in my kayak trying to get around to as many checkpoints as I could to photograph the competitors. I had one close shave with my camera gear when I hopped out of the kayak right next to the bank to quickly sink up to my chest in water. I just managed to keep the camera above my heard as I struggled ashore.

The first day I was given a rubber ducky and a driver but even then it took some effort to find the paddlers. I didn’t realize Tuross Lakes was such a maze of waterways and channels and it was often difficult to find anyone. Some groups had heaps of photos taken of them and others none. There were sections that were very shallow which would have been annoying to the real speed paddlers. And yet by a chance coincidence wherever I went Claudia and Kevin would appear.

I pulled in down some side road on the way to the campsite to notice a couple of blokes running very solidly. I managed to sprint to get a shot of them passing some cows but these blokes weren’t stopping. There was serious running being done this weekend and I think Huw is going to change it so it’s more paddling next year. It was good to see it wasn’t one of the running teams that won. I heard of one group who pulled their kayak into the bank and set off on a 20 km run to the check point. Unfortunately for them they hadn’t tied their kayak up and they came back to find it had drifted away.

This is a great kayak event and I would encourage as many Club members to have a go in it next year. And what grade is it? Grade 1 or 2 or 3 or even 4. It’s entirely up to you. You can have a lovely day’s paddle stopping for coffee and lunch or go flat out all day. I noticed a few groups had bottles of wine at the camp that they had carried all day. And you are still eligible for the lucky door prize no matter how few points you get — this year is was a brand new Pittarak Expedition kayak.

The winners of the Veteran class were our very own David Winkworth and Laurie Geoghegan. Trevor Gardner and Mark Berry had accumulated a massive 120 points in the first few hours before Trevor dislocated his shoulder. They still managed more points than some teams had collected over the entire day. Claudia and Kevin came third in their class and there were a number of NSWSKC members acting as safety paddlers as well.

David

A Quick Report From the Event Organiser, Huw Kingston

The arms ache a little less, the scratches on the legs are healing (on a kayaking event!) and Tuross Lakes is reclaimed by pelicans and fishermen. Thanks for being part of this year’s event. We sure hit upon perfect conditions, all the more appreciated given the coolness and strong winds of Friday. On Monday too, the rolling surf had been replaced by some dumping monsters. We were indeed lucky.

As with all Polaris events it was great to see the mix of competitiveness and all out fun. That is the beauty of the format — it’s up to you how hard, how far and how fast you go.

Whilst we set some checkpoints as ones to run to, we were surprised by the amount of running some teams did over the two days. Given we had the likes of Nigel Aylott, World Rogaining Champion and recently back from second place in the world’s richest adventure race, the Primal Quest, we shouldn’t have been so surprised. Certainly Tuross Lakes led itself to running whereas at other venues (such as Lake Eucumbene last year) it just would not have occurred. Our general view is that the Paddle Polaris should develop as a paddling event not a multisports event. I’m sure you’ll find that in 2004, there won’t be anything like the running that occurred in 2003!

Rob Russell/Gillean Hilton have replaced the Paddle Polaris trophy back on the dust outline from which they removed it a few days ago in Melbourne. They did extremely well to retain the trophy (and Gill even won the Sea to Summit Paddle Toss at the overnight camp). Interestingly enough, they paddled much of the weekend with Gordon Schoffl/Steven Cannon in their wake in that ‘not quite a sea kayak’ craft (after hours spent on Saturday night fashioning knives, forks and spoons to try and fix their rudder—it all soon fell apart on the Sunday in the shallows of the lakes). Rob and Gill covered some 50 km on the 7 hour Saturday and 45 km on the 6 hour Sunday for their 560 point winning tally. In the end it was only their visit to checkpoint 7 on Fred’s Island that won them the race by 10 points over Steven and Gordon. Steve Cooper/Michael Gillan put up a great fight for third place with 530 points. Nigel Aylott/Ian Franzke recovered from the disastrous loss of 200 penalty points on Saturday to claw their way to fourth place by the end.

Doubles have some advantages in speed but suffer in the narrow, shallow channels and portages. Jason Baldwin/Dan Smith finished as the leading Singles team with 486 points in fifth overall. Dan was also the lucky winner of the Pittarak Expedtion sea kayak, put up by our kayak sponsor Pittarak. Jason was also the winner of the Tuross River Classic, the paddling (forwards), running (in the river), paddling backwards) race at the overnight camp.

Few teams took on the challenge of the surf. Of those that did, Trevor Gardner/Mark Berry went home with a dislocated shoulder (Trevor’s well on the mend) and Laurie Geoghegan/Dave Winkworth took out the Veterans Singles category and eighth overall. The Winning Team

Flotsam & Jetsam [54]

The Fishkiller Files

By Mark Pearson

Rock ‘n’ Roll 2003

Yes, a large team of Flotsam reporters was again let loose to bring you the stories that matter. The Flotsam Department Head told Flotsam, “I’d just like to thank the Committee for continuing to fund us, despite tough financial times for the Club, as we go into our ninth journalistic season. Anyhow I hope the members enjoy this edition of Flotsam, something for everyone I think…”

Spots Versus Socks

All paddlers turning up at Rock ‘n’ Roll HQ were immediately ‘branded’ a red spot, blue spot or yellow spot according to a plastic tag worn on their PFD, the colour depending on Rock ‘n’ Roll HQ’s assessment of the paddlers ability and experience. Reactions to the tag were mixed, some embarrassed to be given a red spot, others crushed to find they had only made yellow.

But the new system irked one veteran ex-committee member, who confided to Flotsam, “This new system may well be very efficient and computerised and all that, but it lacks something… I don’t know what. Like, in my day there were Bruisers and there were Cruisers, Bruisers wore a large sock or socks down their pants, Cruisers didn’t. That was the difference! What was wrong with that system? So why these tag things?”

Scare as Paddlers Reach Ocean

There was much consternation amongst event organisers on Saturday afternoon after Beach Marshall Max Brettargh was informed that two paddlers, one of them apparently inexperienced, had broken through the security cordon across Currarong Creek and made egress onto the open ocean! The paddlers, Mark Pearson and Matthew Turner, were later apprehended and brought in by the crack NSWSKC ORP (Ocean Rescue Pod). A Flotsam reporter later caught up with an apologetic Pearson who said, “Look, we didn’t mean to cause any trouble… honest, we were just going for a paddle, I mean I’ve got a red spot thing so I thought I was OK to go out, but I didn’t know Matt was only a blue spot… honest I didn’t!”

Les Miserables

A reporter from Flotsam’s Social Studies Department, who in his spare time is also writing a thesis that contends that there is more than a simple red spot/ blue spot divide in the Club, spent some time observing the accommodation demographics at the Currarong van park. He observed that if there was a sea kayak outside one of the expensive rented cabins, it was invariably a gleaming Nadgee or Mirage 580. Peeping through the windows of the luxurious accommodation our reporter even witnessed first hand the typical lifestyle of the owners of these sumptuous craft as they watched the latest DVDs, scoffed down lobster, sipped the finest wines, and all this while having their sensitive parts massaged by bikini model girlfriends and trophy wives.

Meanwhile back at the waterlogged camp area the reporter also observed the impoverished, sodden masses, typically the owners of scratched Pittaraks, much repaired Greenlanders or various plywood creations, endured a miserable existence in and around their flimsy, leaking tents. But nothing was more arresting than the sight of these desperates that Saturday evening, huddled in a pitiful line at the mercy of the rain squalls, patiently queuing for the meagre sustenance provided by the emergency Red Cross seafood buffet kitchen. A sad day for a once egalitarian NSWSKC.

Popular Decision

The announcement that Mr Vince Browning had easily won the prestigious Most Unpopular Paddler (MUP) award was well received by the majority of Club members.

MUP Committee chairman Alan Whiteman told Flotsam, “Mr Browning beat off a couple of challengers, notably last year’s winner Gary Edmond, who unsuccessfully tried to retain the award by not turning up at the event, and Andrew ‘Foghorn’ Watkinson, whose loud hailer voice was a test of endurance for hung over and teetotaller paddlers alike all weekend.” Mr Whiteman continued, “But Vince was the stand-out based on his record at this year’s event, and committee memories of his actions over the last couple of years.” In support of their decision, the committee observed the following behaviours and traits of Mr Browning over the weekend of Rock ‘n’ Roll 2003:

• bringing along his jet ski, and using the abomination to repeatedly scatter groups of peace-loving sea kayakers, for the third year in a row;
• reneging on several bets with paddling companions following the coastal paddle to Rock ‘n’ Roll;
• an appalling display at the Rolling Competition, where he performed the same roll (right hand screw) no matter what he was asked to do, a devious tactic (given his frequently aired view that ‘All rolls look the same anyway’) aimed at confusing the inexperienced judging panel; and
• his personality.

At the presentation while brandishing the MUP trophy high in the air, an visibly emotional Mr Browning said, “I thought the jet ski alone would have won this for me back in 2001, but realised then that the standard is high at this Club, and to be deemed more unpopular than the likes of Gary Edmond and Matt Turner you really have to work at it… I feel very humbled.”

Mouth to Mouth

Meanwhile, fireworks were expected and were delivered when Andrew Watkinson and livewire Elizabeth Thomson engaged in a lengthy bout of verbal intercourse at the Currarong Bowls Club. In a very public display sometimes reaching volumes of 110 Db, speeds of up to 330 words per minute, and with the Flirt Metre going off the scale, this conversation threatened to drown out much of the World Cup final atmosphere for the other punters. Thankfully, before full time the verbose couple left the public arena for whereabouts unknown. However, next morning a badly dishevelled and laryngitic Mr Watkinson emerged from his tent to croak to Flotsam, “Wow, what a woman, what a mouth, can’t believe she’s only a blue spot!”

AGM Transcript

For those members ‘up the back’ in the crowded AGM marquee who couldn’t hear much of the lengthy and lively exchange between former Vice President Dave Winkworth and former President Rob Mercer, Flotsam has decided to publish the recollection of a somewhat tired and emotional Flotsam reporter. Given the reporter had been getting into the red wine for some hours, Flotsam would like, in advance, to apologise for any inaccuracies in this transcript.

Rob Mercer (addressing Dave Winkworth): …and that, David, was basically the reason for the decision!!

Dave Winkworth (addressing Rob Mercer): You call that an answer! You, Sir, are about as useful as an olive cleat with no cord! As we say in Kalaru, I’ll bet you couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won’t go away. You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke- drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done…”

Rob Mercer (addressing Dave Winkworth): Fool! Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

President McPhail (addressing the group): Gentleman please, let’s try and keep to the issue, err, insurance I think, or was it Ischial Tuberosities?

Dave Winkworth (ignoring President McPhail, addressing Rob Mercer): What a waste of flesh! On a good day you’re a half-wit. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void!

Rob Mercer (addressing Dave Winkworth): You, Sir, are sour and senile, a puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper. What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

President McPhail (addressing the group): Gentlemen! I think you’ve both made valid points, I move that these issues be held over for further discussion at the next AGM.

Ian Phillips: Seconded!