Flotsam & Jetsam [51]

The Fishkiller Files

By Mark Pearson

Furore Over 10% Limit

Further to recent reports of major car manufacturers refusing to honour warranty claims for engine damage where more than 10% ethanol is found in fuel used, it has been announced today that kayak manufacturers will similarly refuse warranty claims for damaged kayaks where blood alcohol levels of 10% or higher are found in paddlers. However, in a statement issued last week, NSWSKC President Rob Mercer has rejected the 10% alcohol limit. “There is no conclusive proof that paddlers wallowing around with BA levels of more than 10% are responsible for damage to their kayaks,” he said. “How could they be responsible? At those levels they are practically paralytic, completely pissed and right off their faces! I find the idea of limiting alcohol levels totally without foundation. I myself sometimes drink to excess, and I will not be held responsible for my actions in that condition.” Flotsam sources have recently revealed that Mr Mercer’s dominant Sails For Us faction, which recently was re-elected at the NSWSKC AGM, has received huge campaign donations from Carlton United and other brewing companies. Mr Mercer said today that he was not at liberty to disclose the size of the donations and he denied that the donations influenced the Club Executive’s decision to oppose the 10% alcohol limit. Meanwhile, a huge media contingent is camped outside the NSWSKC waterfront Presidential Suite at Double Bay awaiting further developments.

The Fog Lifts

Some days after popular Pittarak devotee Laurence Geoghegan was caught in heavy sea mist off Jervis Bay he told a Flotsam reporter, “Mate, I could hardly see twenty metres out there… it was that thick I thought I was going round in circles until the stuff lifted after about half an hour…” However, Flotsam’s scientific department managed to download Mr Geoghegan’s GPS log from that day, analysis of which clearly showed that the kayak was, indeed, going round in ever widening circles for 35 minutes. “Well bugger me dead,” said an amazed Mr Geoghegan. “Jeez, I love me Pittarak, but you just can’t trust the bastard!” SCALPING The slow production of Nadgees at Nadgee Corporation’s Kalaru plant continues to frustrate customers and affect markets. However, there is good news for long suffering customers! Production Manager Dave Winkworth told Flotsam, “We plan to build a bigger facility in 2003… this should increase production to 2.1 boats a month, up from the current 1.9…” Meanwhile, persistent rumours of Nadgee ‘scalping’ practices have been confirmed. It appears that several purchasers ordered a Nadgee with no intention of keeping the boat, knowing that given the pent-up demand they could quickly offer them for sale for more than the new price. Of the scalpers secretly identified to Flotsam, only Andre Jacinski would speak to a Flotsam reporter. “My friend,” he said, “I am Mr Fax, I am a small businessman, I am smart, I think ahead… so I get a very good price for my Nadgee… it was beeuuutiffoool.”

Foundation Issue Rocks Administration

The vexed issue of ischial tuberosities continues to occupy the time of the Executive. After three meetings failed to result in a communique detailing the Club’s position, President Mercer is rumoured to have resorted to full table-thumping mode in an effort to force consensus. Generously giving Flotsam a 25 second ‘doorstop’ outside the Executive Chambers, Mr Mercer stated, “If we didn’t know it already, this matter, one that affects everybody who sits in a kayak, has really brought it home that we are really living in a different world in 2002… the days of innocence have gone and we must protect our backsides.” Meanwhile, Vice President Stuber, rumoured to have had heated clashes with Mr Mercer given his strong preference for broadening the issue to cover the sacro iliac joint and related nerve endings, was “considering his position.” At a separate doorstop, an angry Stuber told Flotsam, “We would be naive in the extreme to think that this is just about ischial tuberosities, it’s a foundation issue, at the basis of all we stand for, and we must respond comprehensively.” Meanwhile, the Club insurance bill continues to climb.

Rock’n’Roll Flotsam

In a performance that had rivals open-mouthed with amazement, Gary Edmond easily took out the MUP (Most Unpopular Paddler) award for Rock ‘n’ Roll 2002. Edmond, a previous winner in 1995, confounded his critics with a comeback of devastating effectiveness, proof of which was the unassailable points lead he had established as early as Saturday afternoon. Last year’s winner, a shattered Matt Turner, told Flotsam, “I was confident in the lead up to Rock ‘n’ Roll and thought my form was good, particularly in the Selfishness events, but Edmond was awesome… the question is, who is ever going to beat him?” True to form, the victorious Edmond refused to talk to Flotsam after the event. However, his lovely partner Karen told Flotsam, “Although Gary has chosen not to personally receive this award, I’m sure deep down he is very pleased to have won it… this will have done wonders for his self belief.” Edmond’s master stroke was to not only refuse to take part in any Club activity, but also to choose non-Rock ‘n’ Roll locations for much of the weekend… the judging panel noting 3 hours and 4 hours spent on the Saturday and Sunday respectively in local cafes reading legal texts. On the rare occasion Edmond was seen at the event, he also impressed judges with high levels of obnoxiousness and condescension, particularly evident in his bellicose performance at the AGM, and in persistent attempts to bait tired paddlers into intellectual debates on obscure topics with no basic premise. Well done Gary!

Shocking

In what witnesses described as a shocking display of negligence and/or callousness, BCE Instructor Nick Gill appeared totally oblivious to any trouble when a colleague capsized—only five metres from his kayak! After the kayak had remained capsized for at least a minute, BCE Instructor Gill then ignored several shouted warnings while he apparently fiddled with something on the deck of his Nadgee. Thankfully two other paddlers then rushed over to assist the paddler to the surface… the middle-aged man emerging amazingly unharmed from such a long period under the water. Despite claiming to bystanders that he knew the man was carrying out a re-enter and roll attempt which was known to take some time, Gill refused to explain his inaction to Flotsam reporters, claiming he had received “bad press” in Issue 27 (December 1995).

Shocking II

Eccentric Englishman Stuart Trueman was rarely seen in his sea kayak over the weekend. But he was definitely heard, having somehow got hold of a high performance jet ski. Entranced by the heady combination of speed and gasoline stink, Mr Truman spent most of Saturday and Sunday screaming up and down just outside the Rock ‘n’ Roll activity zone, ignoring complaints from dozens of deafened paddlers. “Stuff ’em… I’m having fun,” said an exhilarated Mr Trueman. “And what’s more, the Jet Ski Centre has offered me an $800.00 trade-in on the Nadgee…” Mr Truman will again appear before the NSWSKC Judicial Tribunal on 30 January 2003.

Dedicated

Meanwhile, dedicated paddler Andrew Eddy took out the inaugural Most Serious Face award, which was judged during the rolling competition. Mr Eddy impressed the panel by not once deviating from an expression of total absolute concentration during the thirty minute event. Well done Andrew!

Straight to Video

President Mercer has contacted Flotsam with the great news that not only was the entire AGM filmed on Hi-Fi video, but that copies are being made available to members. The President told Flotsam, “We were worried about the light, but the quality is good, and with the event edited down to a tight 2 hours 43 minutes it’s a really terrific viewing experience… Sharon and I have watched it repeatedly and each time we get something different out of it!” At $15.99 (+p&h) this video is sure to be in high demand. Contact the President today.

Advertisements