This time round Flotsam is steering away from controversy and is dedicated exclusively to innovations in the sea paddling world… Those bright ideas that make our sea paddling lives just a little bit easier. And so we present… a special Flotsam product review.
So you’ve got your water bag on your back, and you’re wisely drinking steadily to maintain your body fluids during those long paddles? Everything’s great isn’t it? But what about the fluid your body doesn’t want? It’s a real problem…pee bottles and scoops are not only difficult (and sometimes dangerous) to use, but these annoying calls of nature interrupt our natural paddling rhythm, and just when we’re getting ‘in the groove’ too!
Well, not any more! Peelutions Inc from the good ole US-of-A have advised of a new product that just might solve this annoying problem for ever! Introducing the P-PumpO, a clever combination of the basic kayak foot pump but with the addition of an intake pipe that is actually permanently attached to the ‘male member’ by way of a ‘comfy fit’ end piece.
P-PumpO designer Art Grinkle enthused, “No more stopping and peeling back the old spray skirt for a leak… from now on gun paddlers will be able to strap on the P-PumpO then clock up some serious kilometres while relieving themselves whenever they feel like it! Imagine kilometre after kilometre without having to drop a stroke… never having to drop a stroke… just let it go and pump it out… this is the perfect system for all you Aussie Bruisers!”
Impressed by Art’s sales pitch, Flotsam organised a couple of our dedicated staffers to try out the P-PumpO system.
MP – male, 180 pounds, 6′ 2” (in his dreams), tried the P-PumpO in a 6-foot swell and confused seas.
AE – male, 165 pounds, 5’10” used the device in strong winds and during a short surfing session.
MP, an Inuit Explorer paddler, advised that he found “the end fitting rather small and therefore very difficult to put on” and also cautioned “it hurts like hell if you pumped too hard.”
AE thought the system “worked well, even in a Baidarka” and “did not interfere with lean turns or rolling lay backs.” But AE “felt nervous during a short surfing session at the thought of wet exiting while still ‘attached’…” and cautioned “with the pump exit hole in front of the paddler, the system is not very hygienic into headwinds.” In rough conditions MP found he “was able to pee and brace simultaneously, which was easier and more satisfying than I thought.”
At the end of the day, AE was “generally impressed by the product, because although I’m not really a Bruiser, I have a notoriously weak bladder.” MP concluded that “with a better fit this product could definitely take the piss” and asked, “Is there was a P-PumpO fitting for my girlfriend, a budding female Bruiser?”
“I would like to thank the Flotsam test paddlers for their valuable feedback, and offer the following information in relation to their comments:
“We acknowledge that the size of the end fitting was designed primarily to fit Nadgee and Mirage paddlers, who are the target paddling demographic for the product, but we will of course be offering larger sizes for other sea paddlers.
“Over-vigorous pumping is not recommended, but with time, we think most paddlers will ‘feel’ the required pump rate to evacuate the urine efficiently.
“We also caution that the P-PumpO is primarily a ‘set and forget’ device designed to be worn during long, open crossings, so we advise against using it during surfing sessions, where uncontrolled wet exits could possibly cause traumatic injury. Also, we realise that headwinds can be a problem for ‘compulsive’ pumpers, or the incontinent, and we are looking at fixing a different outlet angle to overcome this in our Mark II P-PumpO.
“On the issue of a female fitting, we have decided not to provide such an option at this stage, as our research has shown that while men seem to actually quite like it, ladies have a real problem with such a flamboyant expulsion of bodily fluids.
“Again, I’d like to thank the Flotsam product reviewers for their valuable comments.”
Art Grinkle – Designer
New Pull-apart Nadgee Expedition
This message extracted from the Mallacoota Examiner
Lost: At Bemm River; front end of Nadgee Expedition sea kayak – orange deck/yellow hull, approximately 1.4 metres long. Last seen rapidly sinking to the bottom. Unattractive bulbous shape but strong sentimental value. Reward offered. Contact David Winkworth.
Despite the above, Flotsam has discovered that designer David Winkworth was actually as pleased as punch following the ‘de-nosing’ of his beloved Nadgee on the Bemm River bar.
David told Flotsam, “My boat hit the bottom hard, and yet I still was able to paddle what was left of her back to shore unharmed… most boats would have been torn apart by that wave and the paddler injured.”
David continued, “For years I’ve wanted to make a boat that destroys itself scientifically and this Nadgee is it… I’m also working on another advanced feature I’m calling the ‘Skink’ option… in the event of the stern of the Nadgee being attacked by a large shark, the rear section will immediately detach itself, thereby distracting the shark and allowing the paddler to make his escape… to cover such losses, eventually my aim is for all my customers to get a couple of replacement prow and stern sections with each new boat…”
Tip of the Month
Ever had a vigorous surfing session, got upside down a few times, and had problems with water getting into your head and not coming out?
Well, surfing legend Robyn Harris of Monash, ACT has the answer. Robyn contacted Flotsam to say “I’d often return from the surf with this really heavy, sinusy feeling, and later on, say at a romantic dinner with my new spunky boyfriend, I’d be really embarrassed when half a pint of sea water would suddenly flood out all over my entrée!
Robyn continued, “But now I’ve found a way to empty my head out while still in the boat and carry on surfing and having fun. And its so simple anybody can do it… just lean your head forward, tilt it to one side, block the lower nostril and blow… it’s that simple! And I’m usually amazed at what emerges with the water… seaweed, cigarette stubs, once even a live crustacean… this technique really flushes the nasal cavity out!”
And in case members are cynical about the effectiveness of Robyn’s unique blowing technique, she has kindly volunteered to demonstrate it LIVE at the Next Step Weekend.
Bad Tip of the Month
Rather than miss out on some exciting surfing in strong 2-3 metre Bass Point swells, Matt ‘The Spurter’ Turner tried out cling wrap as a replacement for his forgotten neoprene rear hatch cover. Later, from his hospital bed, our Matt told Flotsam, “It was a total disaster, and I nearly drowned, but someone’s got to try these things out… next time I’ll know to put on two layers of cling wrap…”