Confessions of an Addict [42]

By Mark Berry

Issue 41 of NSW Sea Kayaker is being delivered!

I tear my eyes away from the Jerry Springer Show and run, salivating, to greet the postman, biting his hand in my eagerness to snatch the latest edition from his trembling fingers.

As he rides away screaming obscenities about maniacs and the need for blood tests, I rip the cover from my cherished tome, giddy with expectation, the blood pounding in my temples. Forget the No Idea, ditch your copies of The National Enquirer and News of the Day, the great dramas of the new millennium are being played out within the pages of our very own esteemed nautical organ.

Will Arunas eventually succumb to the ravages of tropical infection brought about by the frenzied sex attack of a testosterone charged Northern Estuarine Crocodile?

Was the counselling at the refuge successful or are the rumours true, that the damage was far greater than realized and that he has been spotted on several occasions in a legless condition? How will he now portage his kayak?

Is it also true that a certain Central Coast manufacturer builds his kayaks out of cardboard in order to save weight in a vain effort to create the first manpowered marine vessel to break the sound barrier? Or that another has forced his aging grandmother into virtual slavery crocheting the hull/deck joins on his kayaks for a miserly $3 per unit plus tips to save money?

Could it be that a well known kayaking identity and prominent member of the association is using his influence with the magazine to build a multi-million dollar manufacturing power base in order to buy his way into the US presidential race?

And can anyone confirm the rumours that the Maatsuyker Canoe Club has become so minimalist that they have agreed that kayaks are in fact an unnecessary extravagance and have decided not to use them on any further Club trips?

It is seeking answers to these intriguing questions along with the tastefully interpreted depictions of nude, gravity ravaged, middle-aged men in semi-reclining poses (and the excellent articles) that brings me back time and again to scour the pages of NSW Sea Kayaker. In the words of a well known Australian pugilist and wordsmith, “I love you’s all”.

PS. I am the proud owner of an Inuit Classic (with sail) and a Mirage double, both of which I consider to be brilliant, so call me Gulliver.