Flotsam and Jetsam [40]

Bumper Crocodilian Edition

Wanted!

‘Chompo’-Rogue Estuarine Crocodile

For the unprovoked and dastardly attack on Senior & Respected Paddler Arunas Pilka.
Last seen in the vicinity of Macarthur Island, Cape York.
$$$ REWARD offered for information leading to capture.

Flotsam News

Our team of Flotsam reporters has been out and about following up on the background stories behind the paddling story of the decade, the attack on Senior Paddler Pilka …

Reptile Repellent

And firstly, a Townsville based research team has created the world’s first pellet- based food source for crocodiles. A spokesman for the team said that while the reptiles are definitely partial to beef, chicken, fish and pork they have “turned their snouts up at onions and garlic.”

Flotsam reporters spoke to David Winkworth to see if these findings might shed any light on the motives for the attack. The keen-nosed Senior Instructor confirmed that on that terrible day, his tent companion “undeniably stank like a II Okg pile of putrefying beef, chicken, fish, and pork”. But unfortunately for Arunas Pilka, obviously with not a hint of onions or garlic.

Nausea

The fact that both protagonists were naked during the croc attack has again led to accusations that sea kayaking trips have become a ‘front’ for HomoErotic activity .From the United States, the Reverend Huble T. Flotskrymer of the Christian Sea Kayaking Coalition has charged that the attack “was God’s Will”, and a warning to ‘those that would offend our Lord with such gross depravity”.

Unfortunately David Winkworth was unwilling to respond to the good Reverend’s comments. However, Flotsam caught up with Mike Snoad, the only one not in the water on that fateful day. Mike confIrmed that the wanton,’; flagrant nudity of his companions had indeed made him feel “disgusted and nauseous” and added “that’s why I was nowhere near them when the attack I happened.”

Penis Envy

And in a related story, it appears North Queensland crocodile farmers are cashing in on Asia’s growing fascination for natural aphrodisiacs.

Andrew Cross of the Southern Cross Crocodile Fann in the Whitsunday’s told Flotsam “Crocodile penis fetches about $2,000 a kilo. You need a lot of penis to get the kilo up but it’s a very profitable by-product. In South-East Asia they believe if you eat the penis of ‘id the crocodile you’ll take on the spirit and the aggression of the crocodile.”

Interesting enough, but how is all this relevant to The Attack?

Well, given the ‘ultra sensitive’ location of some ofMr Pilka’s wounds, a curious female paddler has suggested that this particular croc may well have been motivated by a reptilian belief in the qualities of “fresh human penis. ..” But, she added, “that begs the question … given David Winkworth was first in, why did the beast only choose to attack when Arunas entered the water?”

Sound Advice

But the exploits of Pilka, Winkworth ; and Snoad have not been well received in all quarters. A prominent Tasmanian sea kayaker contacted Flotsam referring to a Queensland Government Workplace Health and Safety Guide publication which details how to behave around crocodiles.

This useful document includes sound advice such as ‘Do not place any part of one’s body in the mouth of a crocodile’ and ‘Do not sit on the back of a crocodile’. The angry Tasmanian (who declined to be named) argued that Messrs Pilka and Winkworth “quite clearly chose to ignore these commonsense precautions in pursuit of a thrill seeking experience, and yet, incredibly, both have been feted as heroes by the media!! Do we really want a society were self indulgent adventurers are given this cult status? And what sort of message is this sending to our children. ..”

T.I. Law

It has been confirmed that Thursday Island National Parks & Wildlife Protection Officers initially charged our lads with a suite of offences, including interfering with wildlife, baiting ofwild animals, illegal holding of protected animals, disturbance of the peace on an idyllic tropical isle and, most seriously, indecent assault on a scaled cold-blooded vertebrate.

Things looked bad indeed until the wily Winkworth, backed by big money lawyers from Channel 7, lodged a counter suit asserting the reptile had ‘illegally attempted to harvest Pilka’s out of season’. All charges were then dropped.

Yes, Flotsam has discovered another shocking story from the Tropical North. 31 year old Alan Kurbishley of Coffs Harbour was snorkelling with two friends off Leviathan Reef not knowing that he was being seriously perved on.

Some minutes later the two friends surfaced but could see no sign of Alan — they dived down again to find a full grown, amorous Dugong mouthing Alan’s shoulder while it held him down on the sea floor. After realising with horror that Alan was not a willing participant, they dived down and managed to scare the creature off their shocked but otherwise uninjured friend.

But, on his return to Coffs, Mr Kurbishley apparently became moody and depressed. The reason “… the bastard didn’t ring or send flowers or anything.”

Clear ’em out!

Eager to cash in on a lucrative market, club entrepreneur Jeff Blarney is offering a range of products to celebrate the return of the heroes. The hot items include the ‘I’ve paddled with Arunas Pilka’ T -Shirt ($24.95), 50ml Anti-Croc ‘Onion and Garlic’ sun-Iotion j~$l9.95), ‘Spot that Croc’ Polarising sunglasses ($49.95), and the “Jock Box”, a modified Cricket guard “a1lowing nude bathing with basic bite protection for those sensitive areas” ($99.95). Jeff warns that stock is limited so get in early. A1I transactions strictly cash only.

What’s in a name

The media tried gallantly but failed to cope with the names of the gallant trio. Although David Wonkworth and Mike Snott were pretty good efforts, the prize effort was reserved, appropriately, for the star of the show Uranus Poker.

Yet more drama!

And in a stunning piece of late news the very same Arunas Pilka has been involved in another incident, this time at Merica River on the NSW far south coast.

While relaxing in the shallows of the lagoon, it appears a large mullet took exception to the presence of the world famous sea paddler, apparently attacking without provocation! Luckily, trip companions Dirk Stuber and John Wilde were alerted by the commotion and bravely leapt in to the water to wrestle with the mullet and pull their friend out of danger.

“It was a big one, and strong too” said Mr Stuber ” ..at least 35 cm long. Fortunately I managed to wrap my legs around it and poke a fmger into it’s gills. …it just shot off. He continued on “mate, I’d hate to think of the injuries if the beast had had any teeth. As it is, Arunas will smell of mullet for a while but he’ll be OK. He’s a very lucky man indeed.”

A reflective Mr Pilka added “it was a really surreal moment ..everyone knows about the threat posed by mullet, but I just couldn’t believe it was happening to me. But I hold no grudges, after all, I was in it’s territory. In fact, I actually respect mullet more now than I did before the attack. …”

Both Mr Stuber and Mr Wilde were traumatised by the incident and sought professional counselling on their return to Eden.

A spokesman for the Fisheries Research Bureau said that although sea mullet were present in most bays and estuaries, they were normally ‘quiet’ at this time of year and that “the aggressive nature of this attack was highly unusual”. Sea paddlers were advised not to enter the water in areas of high mullet numbers, or during the breeding season.

Channel 10 and Womans Day have won the rights to the story.

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