Flotsam and Jetsam [32]

Hail Cretebix© – Part 1

Semolina, the much vaunted ‘paddlers food of the nineties’, is officially OUT! Unmasked by John Calwell as a starchy malnutritious pretender in Issue 30, serious paddlers have been searching for a suitable replacement ever since.

Needing a breakfast too sustain him over a long North Queensland trip, the innovative Mark Pearson decided on trusty old Weetbix. But Weetbix biscuits contains a fair amount of air – space would be a problem – so Mark took the time to blend 75 Weetbix into a fine powder – reducing the bulk by about 60%. After the trip, Mark reported

“the bran-eating dullards who were with me slagged it off at first because it does look a bit like concrete mix, but show me another cereal where two weeks supply can be contained in a 28 by 10 cm Ricoh Toner canister!”

Mark continued “of course, when the bran-eaters ran out of their pellets after only a week, they suddenly agreed that my nutritious and far tastier Cretebix© (patent pending) was a good idea after all!”

Hail Cretebix© – Part 2

Mark Pearson also reported some serious eco-concern he had about the effect the bran had on the environment. “seriously, those guys seemed to spend most of the day defecating … it was truly revolting! I’d hate to have been in a group following us … it’ll take years for some of those wilderness sites to recover!

Mark then pointed out another outstanding advantage of eating Cretebix©

“without any of the symptoms of constipation, I was noticeably less regular than usual – in fact, in an amazing coincidence, 60% less regular! This meant that not only was I kinder to the wilderness, I also had total freedom to enjoy my paddling without having to worry about an unexpected urge to drop a load”

So there you have it – undeniable proof that nutritious, eco-friendly Cretebix© should be the first choice breakfast for sea-paddlers everywhere!

Back on the Road Again

Jim Croft has asked Flotsam to pass on his thanks to the many kayakers who had called to pass on their condolences for his injured arse (see ‘Paddler hits rock bottom’, last issue). In a candid interview with a Flotsam reporter, Jim admitted to a period of personal turmoil after the event

“although the physical injury was bad enough, it was the mental trauma of having been so brutally assaulted by the ocean that really hurt. I admit I went off the rails for a while, drinking heavily and paddling nothing but TK1’s on dirty lakes … behaviour for which I apologise, but I’m ready to give the ocean another go!”

His intensive rehabilitation program now complete, Flotsam wishes Jim all the best. It will be good to see Jim’s muscular rear-end back in it’s rightful place – a sea-kayak seat, once again providing the grunt for the famous Croft power stroke!

Yet More Accolades

By all accounts the Inuit Classic (recently confirmed by the prestigious NSWSKC Magazine as “Sea-kayak of the Year”) performed flawlessly on it’s first long expedition in North Queensland. Despite some negative forecasts prior to the trip from increasingly desperate detractors, faults seem hard to find in this design. Classic paddler Tony Peterson reported

“although I knew this kayak was unrivalled in agility, handling and surfing ability, I think it could be renamed the TARDIS given the amount of gear it swallows up – I’m amazed that there are still some people out there who haven’t bought one yet …”

Stranger Danger

David Winkworth would like to thank the many volunteers who responded to his advert and visited his home to participate in the ‘clingwrap hot mould’ seat design experiment. David commented “It was very worthwhile indeed … the ladies were very enthusiastic about my research …. I’ve actually got more data on ladies bottoms than I know what to do with! The puzzled Vice-President added

“I did find it a bit odd that the club seemed to have so many female members I’d never heard of … and even stranger that most of them had obviously never been near a kayak before …”

Bitter and Twisted

Arunas Pilka remains bitter at the response to his Ulladulla to Jervis Bay paddle, which was cancelled due to lack of interest.

“What’s wrong with people these days” fumed Mr Pilka “I lay on a lengthy trip guaranteeing hours of hard competitive paddling into strengthening headwinds along a bleak coastline and nobody’s interested …. what more do they want?”

The Search Goes on

David Winkworth is still on a quest for the ultimate name for his self-designed kayak, now nearing completion. Having discarded Crest and Catcher as limp-wristed efforts not worthy of the new design, David has decided on more of a sporty, macho, even jingoistic connotation for the marque.

“I’m looking seriously at the Scud or the Shark at the moment” David said “and given the boat’s unique length I’m thinking Scud 17.5 or Shark 17.5 sounds pretty good too. Or maybe the Cracker 17.5, because this boat is really, really good, believe you me .. or maybe it’s better in metres, Cracker 5.25, that’s not bad at all, or what about the Gimlet, now that’s got a real ring to it hasn’t it, or how about …

The Big Steal – Part 1

Colourful business identity Jeff Blamey has done it again! Long known as the ‘Arthur Daly’ of the seakayaking world, Mr Blamey recently conned Jurkiewicz Adventure Sports into selling him a brand new Dagger Apostle for only $1000, then, after outrageously using OUR Magazine for free advertising, resold the boat for $1,390 to an unsuspecting Sydney buyer! Asked whether he had any misgivings about the ethics of the scam, a defiant Mr Blamey said

“not at all, it’s business, now bugger off or my Terry’ll sort you out …!”

The Big Steal – Part 2

Despite the above experience, Jurkiewicz Adventure Sports holds no grudges against the NSWSKC in general, and to prove this will hold a sale night on Tuesday 2nd December between 6.00pm & 7.30pm at 47 Wollongong Street exclusively for the club. Everything in the shop will be discounted by 20% with even better specials on selected items. It is hoped that the opportunistic Mr Blamey will not ‘rub salt into the wound’ by showing up looking for more bargains….

Disclaimer:

In the event of a scarcity of genuine news, Flotsam reserves the right to publish partially or wholly fictitious items for the entertainment of members. The individuals who appear in Flotsam items are in all cases real persons.

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